Should I stay (at home) or should I go (back to work)?
I am reading The Mommy Wars. The title is a bit sensationalist; there’s no mom-off here (Oh, your son walked at 7 months and counts to ten in Spanish? Well, my little one knows 50 signs and was potty-trained by one! Pow pow!) No one openly criticizes anyone else. Each of the contributors writes about how she came to the decision to work – or not to work – when she had kids.
It’s a good thing it’s not truly a war, as I wouldn’t be sure whose colors to wear. As I am reading the book, I am astonished to find that I am essentially agreeing with everything everyone says. I can relate to the mom who feels it's an unnecessary sacrifice to give up your career goals for kids and that she's a good role model for her daughter by working. I see what she means when one mom explains that the book she never wrote was a small sacrifice to pay for getting to know her children so intimately over the years as she's been at home. How can I be this divided when I went back to work full-time when Muffin was 12 weeks old? I am awfully wishy-washy for someone who pays more than $500 a week in childcare.
Here is what I do know:
If I stayed home with Muffin, I would get bored, eat a lot, watch too much TV, and would get a little depressed.
I believe I would be very jealous of my husband if I didn’t work, and I would resent the imbalance in our parenting.
I will never know exactly what goes on all day with Muffin unless I am there. I will never know whether what she does with her nanny is more or less educational/fun/stimulating/safe/character-building than what would be occurring if I were there.
I love her more than any caregiver ever could.
A happy mommy is a better mommy.
Muffin’s face lights up when she sees her nanny. I like that I am not the only person she will go to.
I think your kids should be the most important thing in your life. Good decisions mean putting your kids' needs before your own.
It would feel strange and uncomfortable to spend money when I didn’t help to make it.
If I stayed home, I would feel morally beyond reproach instead of worrying that I am selfish.
It can get extremely stressful having such a delicate balance. There are moments where it feels the whole set-up could go off the rails at any moment.
The pieces don’t fit. There is no perfect or even near perfect solution. It’s dawning on me, a year after I went back to work, that I am deeply conflicted about this. I don’t know for sure if I am doing right by my kid, and that’s a terrible feeling.
posted by Muffin's Mom at 10:14 PM
5 Comments:
Tough decision-- done both. Currently I'm staying at home with my 3rd baby (9 months old) but worked (HAD to) with my first. By my second, the extreme childcare expenses (and the fact I was laid off) negated my working. I hated working (job I hated made a diff) and now I'm getting bored at home. It's so unstructured that sometimes days feel like weeks-- what helps is having a schedule (however artificial) and getting out of the house and having other hobbies. I don't feel weird about spending money I didn't earn, my husband makes a big point that it's ours... thinking about going back to work when she's a little older but now feel untrained in anything...just came across your blog while flipping through...your baby's adorable! (I don't think kids are scarred for life by being in childcare, my daughter's 7 now and crazy smart and well-adjusted)but I understand your point about no one ever loving your kid as much as you do...
Thank you for reading, Margaret! I just visited your blog. Wowza - 3 kids?!?!! How do you do it? I can barely handle one.
I'm very conflicted as well, but it's always helped me to hear your thoughts and know I'm not the only one. I remember when you told me how you realized you were able to devote more attention to her when you came home from work and it was better to be refreshed. I totally agree. I spend one day at home with him alone and I feel depressed and useless. I guess I need work, but I hate being away from him too. The new mom insecurties run pretty deep. But, I like the way you described their smiles in another entry- "and for a moment, nothing can ever be wrong."
this is so tough and a struggle for any working mother - you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. i think you're a great role model to muffin as a working mother - showing her responsibility, love, dedication, caring, and strength. it might just inspire her to work hard and achieve great things, just like her mommy! of course it can't be easy to be away from her every day but you can cherish the moments you do have that much more.
Hey you,
I guess it is a question of damn if you do and damn if you don't. I thnk one has to decide for oneself which is better. It is a personal choice and whichever one you chooses, money will come into the equation. The point is not money and money should never come into it, whether one has enough or not. If you decide to stay at home you shouldn't begrudge or feel guilty, it is a partnership between you and the other one and should you decide to go to work, you are not choosing yourself/work/money but perhaps another form of balance which you and your partner had chosen for your family.
I guess there are so much more to it than simple points on money, selfishness and ambitions...
I choose to stay at home longer (but am going back to work in a few months) because it was what we both wanted for our family.
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