PUI
There is an oft-repeated story about my sister from her freshmen year in college. A bit of a straight arrow, she somehow found herself at a fraternity party, where a young man approached, tried to dirty dance with her, and revealed himself to be a teeny bit intoxicated. As his sloppy flirting continued, she retorted, “Dammit, you’re drunk!” and walked away in a huff.
This story makes me smile in recognition. The only difference between my sister and I is that at least she was cool enough to be at a fraternity party, whereas I spent my freshman year hiding in my room from those very bad kids who (whisper) abuse alcohol. Didn’t they know underage drinking was illegal? I was not about to spend my life in jail.
By my junior year, I had loosened up considerably – thank goodness for the sake of my husband, nicknamed the Teflon Camel for his superhuman ability to go to bed drunk and wake up hangover-free, even without a glass of water. But as for me, I’ve still maintained a take-it-or-leave-it feeling about booze. I might have a glass of wine when I went out, but I’d rarely open a bottle at home.
That is, until now.
NEW SELF: Hmm…Muffin's eating her dinner, so I'm going to pour myself a glass of wine.
OLD SELF: Don’t you remember that drug questionnaire they gave us in the 7th grade? If you drink alone, you are so totally an alcoholic.
NEW SELF: But Muffin’s here, so I’m not alone.
OLD SELF: So you don’t mind PUI – Parenting Under the Influence?
NEW SELF: I’m just having one glass, and that will not get me drunk. It will just make me feel a little relaxed and able to enjoy our evening routine. Applesauce splattered across my freshly mopped floor is a lot easier to laugh at with a wine glass in hand.
OLD SELF: People that need booze to feel relaxed are so lame. You should look for some more natural ways to relax, like yoga stretches or deep breathing or a trust fall. Putting a chemical into your body is not the answer. We talked all about it at youth group.
NEW SELF: Well, I used to unwind with a little TV or reading when I got home from work. But now when I walk in the door, I’m on mommy duty. Having a glass of wine helps me chill out when there’s no downtime.
OLD SELF: Do you realize that you went through a whole bottle last week? Next week it will be two bottles, and then three, and next thing you know you’re giving yourself a heroin enema and snorting cocaine in really fashionable knee-high boots.
NEW SELF: Well, that is a little alarming, especially because I’m a cheapskate and wine is not cheap. But that’s still only a glass a day. And one glass usually does the trick.
OLD SELF: What kind of example are you setting for Muffin? Doesn’t it make you feel bad when she points to a bottle of wine and says, mama?
NEW SELF: Well, she also points to butter and socks and the computer for mama. She’s not really going for my essence here, although she does hit the nail on the head when she gestures toward my shoes. But I guess this is a point to ponder: will observing casual drinking make her less curious, or will it cause her to view it as no big deal?
OLD SELF: You've changed; It's like I don't even know you anymore.
NEW SELF: It's still the same old me; I still don't like being drunk, and I would never imbibe enough to make me unable to care for Muffin. Hey now, can't we just get along? Come on, Justin Timberlake is on. Dance with me, please?
OLD SELF: Dammit, you’re drunk!
This story makes me smile in recognition. The only difference between my sister and I is that at least she was cool enough to be at a fraternity party, whereas I spent my freshman year hiding in my room from those very bad kids who (whisper) abuse alcohol. Didn’t they know underage drinking was illegal? I was not about to spend my life in jail.
By my junior year, I had loosened up considerably – thank goodness for the sake of my husband, nicknamed the Teflon Camel for his superhuman ability to go to bed drunk and wake up hangover-free, even without a glass of water. But as for me, I’ve still maintained a take-it-or-leave-it feeling about booze. I might have a glass of wine when I went out, but I’d rarely open a bottle at home.
That is, until now.
NEW SELF: Hmm…Muffin's eating her dinner, so I'm going to pour myself a glass of wine.
OLD SELF: Don’t you remember that drug questionnaire they gave us in the 7th grade? If you drink alone, you are so totally an alcoholic.
NEW SELF: But Muffin’s here, so I’m not alone.
OLD SELF: So you don’t mind PUI – Parenting Under the Influence?
NEW SELF: I’m just having one glass, and that will not get me drunk. It will just make me feel a little relaxed and able to enjoy our evening routine. Applesauce splattered across my freshly mopped floor is a lot easier to laugh at with a wine glass in hand.
OLD SELF: People that need booze to feel relaxed are so lame. You should look for some more natural ways to relax, like yoga stretches or deep breathing or a trust fall. Putting a chemical into your body is not the answer. We talked all about it at youth group.
NEW SELF: Well, I used to unwind with a little TV or reading when I got home from work. But now when I walk in the door, I’m on mommy duty. Having a glass of wine helps me chill out when there’s no downtime.
OLD SELF: Do you realize that you went through a whole bottle last week? Next week it will be two bottles, and then three, and next thing you know you’re giving yourself a heroin enema and snorting cocaine in really fashionable knee-high boots.
NEW SELF: Well, that is a little alarming, especially because I’m a cheapskate and wine is not cheap. But that’s still only a glass a day. And one glass usually does the trick.
OLD SELF: What kind of example are you setting for Muffin? Doesn’t it make you feel bad when she points to a bottle of wine and says, mama?
NEW SELF: Well, she also points to butter and socks and the computer for mama. She’s not really going for my essence here, although she does hit the nail on the head when she gestures toward my shoes. But I guess this is a point to ponder: will observing casual drinking make her less curious, or will it cause her to view it as no big deal?
OLD SELF: You've changed; It's like I don't even know you anymore.
NEW SELF: It's still the same old me; I still don't like being drunk, and I would never imbibe enough to make me unable to care for Muffin. Hey now, can't we just get along? Come on, Justin Timberlake is on. Dance with me, please?
OLD SELF: Dammit, you’re drunk!
posted by Muffin's Mom at 7:05 PM
7 Comments:
This comment has been removed by the author.
This is hilarious! Here's a solution, straight from our college days: boxed wine. (A) It's cheap. (B) There's no bottle for Muffin to point at. (C) It's so icky that your glass-a-night habit couldn't possibly develop into a "knee-high boots" problem.
I am so on board with the box of wine solution....It worked pretty effectively for all of us back in the day. Sun
Guys, you won't believe this, but boxed wine is a big new trend for premium wines these days. The packaging is eco-friendly or something. We were SOOO ahead of the curve in college!
I am dying of laughter right now. I think I had to drink in college to try and forget the horrific clothes that I was wearing. You are totally right about the big new trend - my friend from Target bought over the co-friendly box of liquor love. The only thing that I can't quite comprehend is how they fit 4 bottles into one tiny square box? Love, AJ
My old self and new self are best friends in 'pubs/bars/home' or any where else for "that matter". "That matter" = presence of alcoholic beverages.
I blame it all on my British education.
And yeah. I do remember you being rather sweet and innocent in London. Don't tell me you've changed?;-)
Gingerbread biscuits;-) didn't help you to drink Scottish malt?
Har har.;-)
Mom- Hilarious! Your 7th-grade- self is SOOOO immature! Drinky up!
Cheers- PUI too, Steph
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