Taking It Personally
You know that saying, if Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy? In my case, if my kid ain't happy, Momma ain't happy either.
There are some days when my daughter is just plain crabby. I'm talking about those days when she bucks like a wild mustang in her highchair, refuses to lie down so I can change her diaper, and will not use of any her words but no.
Perhaps my "crabby" is another person's "normal 19-month-old behavior." Of course we would all like our little ones to be child actor-adorable at all times, but sometimes I fear I am too sensitve and self-absorbed to be a mother of a toddler, because they are going to act up, push limits and get frustrated at what they can't yet do, right? The thing is, it's not so much the actual handling of the behavior (although that's no fun), it's the sinking feeling that the way she acts somehow reflects my parenting skills. She can have a meltdown, and be fine 5 minutes later, but for hours afterward this thought will niggle through my brain: if I were doing a better job, she would be perfectly behaved Gerber Baby.
Recently we took Muffin in for a well-baby check-up. I didn't get my lovely pediatrician, but her evil twin. This doctor is so judgmental, stern and unrealistic that I almost can't believe my regular pediatrician has a practice with her. At my first meeting with her, back when Muffin was just two weeks old, she told me that no one except for her parents and grandparents should hold her -- this after I'd let at least a dozen friends and family members do exactly that. And um, I'd also taken her to a bar. An open-air, non-smoking bar, in the middle of the afternoon! Pretty much like a coffee shop except for the booze! I promise! And it's not like I let her do any Jager shots.
On this visit, the bad doctor offered up more tough love shots to the heart. First, she told us that letting Muffin use a pacifier (which we generally restrict to nighttime) is "denying her a crucial developmental phase of learning to self-soothe." She also said it was holding back her speech, which -- how much talking can she be doing in her sleep? Plus, Muffin says airplane and bowl and out and shoes and yogurt and tons of other words. I think she's doing fine in that area. She also chided us for taking Muffin out to eat, as we do maybe once a week, always in child-friendly restaurants, where we bring a heaping diaper bag full of books and toys to entertain her. She said sitting in a high chair for an hour, well, that's an awful lot to expect from a toddler. When I brought up confusion about how to discipline Muffin as this age where she can understand what I am saying even as she can't always listen to it, the doctor made it sound like it was easy-peasy, and told me that she had exceptionally well-behaved kids who never even needed a time out. Hey, weren't we talking about Muffin?
She asked what Muffin ate, and I emphasized the beans and the berries and the brocolli and the milk. The Canuck casually mentioned that sometimes she eats cookies and I shot him the stare of death, because that was clearly the wrong answer and didn't she have enough proof that we are delinquent parents? I didn't dare ask any of my other questions -- as if I could even remember them as I broke a sweat and wondered if I was somehow holding Muffin the wrong way.
Now, it's not so much what she said, it's how she said it. We've been struggling over when and if to de-binky. We go back and forth over what kind of social situations are appropriate. And what with all our travel to see family, I do wonder if we push her too much. These are all things I'm obsessing about already, thank you; I don't need any help in that area. It's hard enough to hear from moms who never let their kids watch TV, make three homemade organic meals a day, and seem have bottomless vats of patience. But to have a doctor imply that I am holding my kid back, that I'm too hard on her...well, she's supposed to be the expert. Muffin got a flu shot, but I think I left the office in more pain than she was.
I need to change practices. My mommy ego is just too fragile for this kind of brusque bedside manner. So you put away your whip, doc; I don't need your abuse -- and besides, I've already got one I keep handy.
There are some days when my daughter is just plain crabby. I'm talking about those days when she bucks like a wild mustang in her highchair, refuses to lie down so I can change her diaper, and will not use of any her words but no.
Perhaps my "crabby" is another person's "normal 19-month-old behavior." Of course we would all like our little ones to be child actor-adorable at all times, but sometimes I fear I am too sensitve and self-absorbed to be a mother of a toddler, because they are going to act up, push limits and get frustrated at what they can't yet do, right? The thing is, it's not so much the actual handling of the behavior (although that's no fun), it's the sinking feeling that the way she acts somehow reflects my parenting skills. She can have a meltdown, and be fine 5 minutes later, but for hours afterward this thought will niggle through my brain: if I were doing a better job, she would be perfectly behaved Gerber Baby.
Recently we took Muffin in for a well-baby check-up. I didn't get my lovely pediatrician, but her evil twin. This doctor is so judgmental, stern and unrealistic that I almost can't believe my regular pediatrician has a practice with her. At my first meeting with her, back when Muffin was just two weeks old, she told me that no one except for her parents and grandparents should hold her -- this after I'd let at least a dozen friends and family members do exactly that. And um, I'd also taken her to a bar. An open-air, non-smoking bar, in the middle of the afternoon! Pretty much like a coffee shop except for the booze! I promise! And it's not like I let her do any Jager shots.
On this visit, the bad doctor offered up more tough love shots to the heart. First, she told us that letting Muffin use a pacifier (which we generally restrict to nighttime) is "denying her a crucial developmental phase of learning to self-soothe." She also said it was holding back her speech, which -- how much talking can she be doing in her sleep? Plus, Muffin says airplane and bowl and out and shoes and yogurt and tons of other words. I think she's doing fine in that area. She also chided us for taking Muffin out to eat, as we do maybe once a week, always in child-friendly restaurants, where we bring a heaping diaper bag full of books and toys to entertain her. She said sitting in a high chair for an hour, well, that's an awful lot to expect from a toddler. When I brought up confusion about how to discipline Muffin as this age where she can understand what I am saying even as she can't always listen to it, the doctor made it sound like it was easy-peasy, and told me that she had exceptionally well-behaved kids who never even needed a time out. Hey, weren't we talking about Muffin?
She asked what Muffin ate, and I emphasized the beans and the berries and the brocolli and the milk. The Canuck casually mentioned that sometimes she eats cookies and I shot him the stare of death, because that was clearly the wrong answer and didn't she have enough proof that we are delinquent parents? I didn't dare ask any of my other questions -- as if I could even remember them as I broke a sweat and wondered if I was somehow holding Muffin the wrong way.
Now, it's not so much what she said, it's how she said it. We've been struggling over when and if to de-binky. We go back and forth over what kind of social situations are appropriate. And what with all our travel to see family, I do wonder if we push her too much. These are all things I'm obsessing about already, thank you; I don't need any help in that area. It's hard enough to hear from moms who never let their kids watch TV, make three homemade organic meals a day, and seem have bottomless vats of patience. But to have a doctor imply that I am holding my kid back, that I'm too hard on her...well, she's supposed to be the expert. Muffin got a flu shot, but I think I left the office in more pain than she was.
I need to change practices. My mommy ego is just too fragile for this kind of brusque bedside manner. So you put away your whip, doc; I don't need your abuse -- and besides, I've already got one I keep handy.
posted by Muffin's Mom at 10:47 PM
5 Comments:
S - I have a to-do list for you:
1. Take a deep breath.
2. Take another deep breath.
3. Repeat after me: "I am not a bad mother." (Well, I'm not anyway, because I'll never be a mother. :P)
4. Repeat: "I am the best parent that Muffin will ever have."
5. Take another deep breath.
6. Forgive me for not getting together this weekend. :)
You're doing everything you should be doing. Our pediatrician sound like your Dr. Feelgood; it's a shame you had to run into Dr. No this time around. Relax, and enjoy raising Muffin.
S,
Somehow reading your writing makes me feel someone else shares the feeling of guilt (or defensiveness?) I sometimes feel.
My MIL would not understand that Milla is going through separation anxiety at her age and kept 'inferring' that I am the reason why Milla wouldn't automatically warm up to her. I tried to explain, Milla doesn't see her often enough to recognise her and that it is normal that she is that way at her age,
Then, MIL started comparing other kids to Milla and said the other babies never had separation anxiety and the reason why Milla is the way she is, is due to my Gerber reading (techniques).
You see, one can never win. There's always another technique or parenting style which other's think (including paedetrician) would use as a counter argument to situations.
Every child is an individual and you are the best mum C could ever asked for. I am certain of that.
Love and kisses, Nina
K: There I was sitting, trying to come up with a good title for this post and couldn't think of a thing, hence the lame-o choice. Dr. No?!?!!? Why didn't I think of that??
Don't worry about this weekend. I thought I had your number programmed into my cell phone, but as I turns out I did not and so had no way to reach you. Things were awfully crazy all weekend long...I don't know that we would have been able to meet up anyway. I hope we can make it happen next time!
A hex on Dr. No!!!! I know exactly what you mean. But pooh on her. How rediculous about who should hold her, etc. etc. She is a sanctimonious b-word. You are a fantastic mother. Pooh on her! Don't let her shake your foundation!
you know what? YOU know your child better than anybody in the world. And you know you're a KICK ASS MOM. So pass the Jager :)
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