Sick and Tired

Did you know that they have the Golf Channel on Demand? If you live in New York and have cable, cruise on up to channel 1009 and see for yourself. There’s also NY1, Court TV and National Geographic on Demand.

I demand National Geographic immediately! I must have it!

You know what they need? Elmo on Demand. Because I have a toddler who’s spent the better part of the last three days seeking the pleasure of his company. I’ve DVR’d some Sesame Street, and we have a few videos, but even she – she of the marathon Baby Einstein watching – is getting sick of the same old skits. Of course, if I have to listen to that overly precious puppet talk about himself in the third person one more time, I just might completely lose my shit, so maybe it’s just as well.

Muffin is sick, the sickest she’s ever been. On Saturday she had a bit of a croup-y sounding cough, but we were able to go about our day. On Sunday she refused to eat and had a fever of 102. By midnight it was 104 and her breathing was raspy. By 5am, she was at 105 and I placed a semi-hysterical call to my doctor’s answering service. She seemed unsure if I should go to the ER, but in the end advised me to just wait the four hours until her office opened. At 9am I was there, waiting to see Dr. Feelbad. Although she suspected it was a virus, she took a blood sample to rule out something more serious. She was visibly annoyed when I had a hard time keeping Muffin’s arm steady to get the needle in. She made a second attempt with the other arm, muttering under her breath how much better the first vein had been. I’m sorry I’m not better at holding down my fever-delirious, whimpering child as you try to shove a needle in her arm. My bad. I'll practice so I'll be better at it next time.

I have stayed home with her since she became ill. The Canuck is on a business trip, so I’ve been on night duty too. The first day it was a treat to be home with her, basking in the glow of feeling needed and stroking her soft back as we lay on the couch together. Today has been, to say the least, a trial. I think the tide might have turned around the time she vomited yogurt all over the couch. Maybe it was when she fell off a dining room chair as I cleaned up said puke. Or perhaps it was when she started secreting pus from her eyes, adding pink eye to her list of ailments. She is miserable, and miserable to be around. She barely napped. She asked for yogurt all day long despite the hearty "no thanks" her gastrointestinal system gave it earlier. She screamed “all done” after less than a minute in the bath, which I had banked on eating up at least a half hour of this very long day. She whined Elbas (her name for Elmo) on, Elbas on until I turned on the TV and fast-forwarded through any non-Elmo segments. I fear the constant tube-watching and pacifier-sucking habits I’ll be working on breaking when she’s better. I exercised the emergency early bedtime parental option; I told myself it was for her own good, but really it was for mine.

I feel so utterly alone, exhausted, frightened and patience-deficient. I could have asked my nanny to help out, as I am paying her anyway, but I am too proud to admit to her that I am having trouble handling this on my own. I’ve already told the Canuck, who returns late tonight, that if she’s sick tomorrow it's his problem. I feel angry that he left me alone with such a sick child, even though, had he asked me, I would have insisted that he go. Unfair and irrational, I know, but there you have it.

It’s 9:30pm, and in the 2 hours since I put her to bed, Muffin has woken up 4 times. I’ve finally just bought her into my bed and am singing "You Are My Sunshine" on loop as I type this. Every once in a while, her little head pops up and croaks, Elbas on? before falling back into a fitful sleep.

I have a feeling it’s going to be another long night.

Update:

Thanks for all the kind words, phone calls and offers of help. I'm feeling more than a little embarrassed, because after a day off sick duty (at work) and after a decent night's sleep, I see now that I was being a total prissy drama queen. I think of the dignity of parents dealing with serious illnesses and disabilities, and single parents who are always doing it on their own, and I kick myself for not thanking my lucky stars every single second.

When I came home last night, Muffin's eye were bright, she was running around as she usually does (so much to dismantle, so little time) and she slept 10 hours straight. We even went two hours with no Elmo! She still has a fever but I think she is finally beating this thing.