The Terrible Ones
I’m reminded of a nursery rhyme my mother used to tell me:
Once there was a little girl with a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead
And when she was good, she was very very good
But when she was bad, she was horrid
Where did my sweet little girl go? She’s still there, mostly, but the lag of language skills behind the desire to grab that serrated knife/that crystal bowl/that sensitive skin under my arm NOW NOW NOW has turned my angel into the occasional holy terror. She arches her back, throw herself on the ground (with no regard for what she might smack her head on), drums her feet on the floor and screams so loudly I wonder if my neighbors will call DCFS.
As is so often the case, I am caught having no idea what a Grown-Up Parent Person should do in these situations. I’ve read a few books – ok, ok, maybe just the relevant passages – on the topic, but every one I open offers me a different philosophy. I’ve also been pumping every parent I know for the magic technique that will diffuse this bomb but get answers like, every child is different so you have to figure out what works for you. That’s code for: I don’t know either.
My lack of a plan makes for some mixed messages. Recently, Muffin was incensed because I would not let her pull all of the condiments out of the refrigerator door. As the wailing began, I carried her over to some books and sat down on the floor to try the Distraction Technique. She was not to be fooled into silly book-reading when there were hot sauce bottles waiting to be licked and thrown, so the back arching began. I caught her head just before it hit the ground and then commenced with the Empathy Technique. I told her that I understood she was frustrated and that I just wanted to keep her safe. She swatted my hand away and increased the volume. Next up: The Ignoring It Technique. I went into my bedroom (which is about 5 feet away) and tried to compose myself. She was still crying, and her sobs were starting to sound more hurt than petulant. I was starting to get a lump in my throat myself.
After about a minute, I couldn’t take it anymore. I grabbed her blanket and scooped her up. She instantly buried her head in my neck and started rubbing her face with the satin edge. The tears stopped. I swayed back and forth and kissed her forehead as she struggled to catch her breath. This tantrum was blessedly over, but I still had no idea how I was going to cope with the next one.
So I’m taking a poll. What should I do the next time she melts down?
A. Close the door and drink wine in the bathroom until it's over.
B. Just give her what she wants. A little hot sauce in the eye and then she’ll learn.
C. Hand her off to the Canuck. I birthed her (did I mention the emergency C-section?), so it's only fair that he discipline her.
D. Sell her on eBay. She’s super-cute; I bet I could get a good price.
E. Take a deep breath, keep her from getting a concussion, and just try to do the best I can.
Once there was a little girl with a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead
And when she was good, she was very very good
But when she was bad, she was horrid
Where did my sweet little girl go? She’s still there, mostly, but the lag of language skills behind the desire to grab that serrated knife/that crystal bowl/that sensitive skin under my arm NOW NOW NOW has turned my angel into the occasional holy terror. She arches her back, throw herself on the ground (with no regard for what she might smack her head on), drums her feet on the floor and screams so loudly I wonder if my neighbors will call DCFS.
As is so often the case, I am caught having no idea what a Grown-Up Parent Person should do in these situations. I’ve read a few books – ok, ok, maybe just the relevant passages – on the topic, but every one I open offers me a different philosophy. I’ve also been pumping every parent I know for the magic technique that will diffuse this bomb but get answers like, every child is different so you have to figure out what works for you. That’s code for: I don’t know either.
My lack of a plan makes for some mixed messages. Recently, Muffin was incensed because I would not let her pull all of the condiments out of the refrigerator door. As the wailing began, I carried her over to some books and sat down on the floor to try the Distraction Technique. She was not to be fooled into silly book-reading when there were hot sauce bottles waiting to be licked and thrown, so the back arching began. I caught her head just before it hit the ground and then commenced with the Empathy Technique. I told her that I understood she was frustrated and that I just wanted to keep her safe. She swatted my hand away and increased the volume. Next up: The Ignoring It Technique. I went into my bedroom (which is about 5 feet away) and tried to compose myself. She was still crying, and her sobs were starting to sound more hurt than petulant. I was starting to get a lump in my throat myself.
After about a minute, I couldn’t take it anymore. I grabbed her blanket and scooped her up. She instantly buried her head in my neck and started rubbing her face with the satin edge. The tears stopped. I swayed back and forth and kissed her forehead as she struggled to catch her breath. This tantrum was blessedly over, but I still had no idea how I was going to cope with the next one.
So I’m taking a poll. What should I do the next time she melts down?
A. Close the door and drink wine in the bathroom until it's over.
B. Just give her what she wants. A little hot sauce in the eye and then she’ll learn.
C. Hand her off to the Canuck. I birthed her (did I mention the emergency C-section?), so it's only fair that he discipline her.
D. Sell her on eBay. She’s super-cute; I bet I could get a good price.
E. Take a deep breath, keep her from getting a concussion, and just try to do the best I can.
posted by Muffin's Mom at 9:03 PM
3 Comments:
Oh my God sash, I think you are super patient and super good in handling the situation. You know, I'd regurgitate and say " Every child is different and you have to do what is right for your self/child"...
I wouldn't have a clue what is best either. Camilla is already stubborn even when is not as mobile as muffin yet. She knows what she wants and she can also cause chaos as and when she decides to do so.
May be it is only a phase and perhaps, letting her have an almost empty hot sauce bottle wouldn't be such a bad idea. It'll probably remove the intriguing factor... Then again, what do I know? I need to take lessons myself...
Kisses from across the pond,
Nina
wow-- i don't know how you have that kind of patience. as a person without a child or any first hand experience i can only offer my sympathy... and of course, the brilliant advice of noneother than reality tv hero, supernanny. that's right, i've been watching a lot of supernanny lately, which is superisingly both entertaining and informative!
so here's some stuff i can impart, though of course, i've never tried it. :) As far as saying no, one thing they teach is, mommy and daddy are boss, and need to give consistant signals showing this. so even when it's hard to see the kid get upset, (and they show these mothers in agony having to watch their baby sooo upset over disappointments), in the longrun, it's best for everyone.
as far as the actual tantrums that result, kids will have tantrums. they don't know what to do with the emotions yet, especially when they're so disappointed. so they seem to say the best thing to do is to have "time out" periods when that happens, just to let them calm down. and as hard as it is for the moms, they have to find a way to "zen" through it. ;)
in the long run, the kid seems to "get it"-- when mommy says no, she means no. and fewer tantrums happen, or at least they dont' seem to last as long... on the half hour program. :)
go go supernanny!!
Thanks, ladies :)
I've done some more reading, and for now my tactic is going to be to:
1. Distract her with something else or try to give her a choice if possible
2. If that doesn't work, say no and explain why
3. Ignore the flailing (making sure she doesn't hurt herself)
4. Give her a hug when she's calmed down so she knows I still love her
I've been trying it, and so far it seems like it pretty much works. I guess there are just going to be those grumpy days where you just have to get through it. Now the key is to keep my own frustration level in check so I can be consistent.
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